01
Keep your head down
Every instructor tells you this. You will nod, say “yes, of course,” and immediately look up to see where the ball goes. You will always do this. It is hardwired. Accept it.
Verdict: You won’t do it. Nobody ever does.
02
Visualise the shot
Close your eyes. Picture the perfect arc. The gentle fade. The soft landing. The ripple of applause. Now open them and hit it sideways into a gorse bush at 40mph.
Verdict: Beautiful dream, catastrophic reality.
03
Buy better equipment
A new £500 driver will transform your game. You’ll still hit it 140 yards and slightly right, but you’ll feel considerably better about it. The confidence is worth it. (It isn’t.)
Verdict: Expensive, comforting, useless.
04
Take a lesson
Your pro will correct your grip, stance, takeaway, downswing, follow-through and attitude. On the course next day you will do all of it exactly wrong again, but with more self-awareness.
Verdict: Temporarily worse, permanently broke.
05
Play more often
Practice makes perfect, they say. They have never met you. Some people practice for decades and never improve. Based on the available evidence, you are almost certainly one of those people.
Verdict: More suffering, identical score.
06
Relax and enjoy it
If you can hear yourself breathing between shots, you’re too tense. If you’re counting heartbeats on the tee, you’re too tense. If you’re reading this mid-round, something has gone very wrong.
Verdict: Ha.
07
Play the ball as it lies
A noble principle. Unless it’s in a divot, on a slope, near a tree root, on a sprinkler head, or anywhere that seems genuinely unreasonable. Then obviously you move it.
Verdict: Winter rules. Always. Forever.
08
Stay positive
A positive mental attitude is the foundation of good golf. Tell yourself you can do it. Embrace success. Then accept that the ball is in the water and write down your score. That’s golf.
Verdict: Helpful for 4 seconds per hole.