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The Oh No Golf Song
Written & performed in the spirit of deep golfing despair
oh-no.uk

Lost & Found

Missing items · Probably in the water · Hope fading

Lost
Missing items · Probably in the water · Hope fading
Lost · Hole 7 · Tuesday
Titleist Pro V1, 2023
Last seen travelling at speed in the direction of the water hazard. Sentimental value. It was my last good one. I have others but they are not the same.
Reward: Heartfelt thanks and a firm handshake
Lost · Entire back nine
My self-respect
Missing since the 10th tee. Last seen before I attempted to chip out of the hospitality tent. If found, please do not return it. I have made my peace.
Reward: None. I mean it.
Lost · Unknown hole · Ongoing
My will to continue
Missing around the 6th. May have last been seen crying quietly behind the 8th tee marker. Responds to encouragement. Does not respond to coaching.
Reward: A kind word and a biscuit
Lost · Pro shop · Last March
£340 and all sense of proportion
Parted with voluntarily in exchange for a driver described as “game-changing.” The game changed. It got worse. The driver is not the problem. I am the problem.
Reward: N/A. Gone forever.
Found · 14th Fairway · Monday
One golf glove (left hand)
Reasonable condition. Slightly damp. Possibly wept on. Footjoy, medium. Owner may collect from pro shop. No questions asked. Several faces will be made.
Claim within 28 days
Found · 6th Hole · Ongoing
One electric golf buggy
Recovered from the ornamental water feature. Now a permanent installation. Fish living in the storage compartment. Owner has been contacted. Owner says to leave it.
Not for collection. Part of the course now.

Submit a listing

Lost something? Found something? We accept physical objects, abstract concepts, and personal qualities.
“My dignity” is our most frequently submitted item. We have never recovered one.

[email protected]

⛳ BREAKING: Keith Mines’s ball found in 2019 — still technically in play  •  💧 Water hazard hole 6 renamed “Keith’s Pond” after 17th visit this season  •  🌳 Local oak tree files restraining order against three Oh No members  •  🐇 Rabbit on 3rd fairway scoring better than club champion  •  ⛅ Weather forecast: 100% chance of blaming the weather  •  🔍 47 balls recovered from lake — all belong to same member  •  🍺 19th hole bar reports record takings for third consecutive week