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The Oh No Golf Song
Written & performed in the spirit of deep golfing despair
oh-no.uk

The 19th Hole

The Clubhouse Bar · The best shot of the day is always the first one in here

A word from the barman
“I have worked behind this bar for eleven years. I have seen a man cry into a pint because his ball hit a tree. I have seen another man order champagne because his ball also hit a tree but bounced onto the green. I have seen Keith Mines order the same drink seventeen weeks in a row and seem surprised each time I put it in front of him before he asks.

I do not play golf. I am very happy about this. Welcome to the 19th Hole. You look like you need it.”

— Terry, Barman, Oh No Golf Club · 11 years service · Has heard everything
The menu
Named in honour of our greatest disasters · All prices include sympathy
The Bogey Man
Draught Stout · 568ml
A dark and brooding pint for those who were over par on every single hole and need to sit quietly with that for a while. Terry will not make eye contact. This is intentional. It is a kindness.
£5.80 · Pairs with: silence and the far wall
The Double Bogey
Blended Scotch · 50ml · No ice
Two fingers of whisky. No ice. No garnish. No conversation. Ordered without words. Consumed the same way. Terry already knows. He’s had it ready since the 15th.
£7.50 · Pairs with: staring into the middle distance
Keith’s Pond Water
Sparkling Mineral Water · 330ml
Named in honour of the chairman’s ongoing contributions to the local water table. Clean and crisp, unlike the water it’s named after. 17 balls deep and counting.
£2.50 · Pairs with: designated driving and quiet dignity
The Provisional
House Lager · Per pint
You order a pint. It doesn’t quite work out. You order another, just in case. Both count towards your tab. Both are consumed. The rules are very clear on this.
£5.80 · Minimum order: 2 · Maximum: not established
The Mulligan
Craft Cocktail · Bartender’s choice
A second attempt at any cocktail that “wasn’t quite right.” Technically not permitted. Available to every Oh No member, every time. Terry disagrees with this policy. Terry has been overruled.
£8.00 · One per drink · No mulligans on the mulligan
The Hole in One
Champagne · Per tradition
Tradition dictates that anyone scoring a hole in one buys the entire bar a round. We have therefore never had to serve this. The round is on us. Theoretically.
Free (theoretical) · Has never happened · Will not happen
Opening hours
Terry’s hours · The bar opens when the course opens. The bar closes when Terry decides.
Monday–Thursday11:00 — 21:00
Friday11:00 — 23:00
Saturday09:00 — 23:00
Sunday09:00 — 21:00
Bank holidaysAsk Terry
⛳ BREAKING: Keith Mines’s ball found in 2019 — still technically in play  •  💧 Water hazard hole 6 renamed “Keith’s Pond” after 17th visit this season  •  🌳 Local oak tree files restraining order against three Oh No members  •  🐇 Rabbit on 3rd fairway scoring better than club champion  •  ⛅ Weather forecast: 100% chance of blaming the weather  •  🔍 47 balls recovered from lake — all belong to same member  •  🍺 19th hole bar reports record takings for third consecutive week