Birdie
Official: One stroke under par
A mythical creature. Members report sightings but no confirmed cases at Oh No since 2019. The 2019 incident remains disputed. The member concerned has since left the country.
Eagle
Official: Two strokes under par
Theoretical. Has appeared in textbooks. At Oh No, the word “eagle” is used only when a real eagle lands on the 7th fairway, which it does occasionally, and scores better than most members.
Bogey
Official: One stroke over par
A personal best for most members. Achieving a bogey is cause for quiet celebration and a modest drinks order. Members who bogey consistently are regarded with deep suspicion.
Provisional
Official: A second ball when the first may be lost
At Oh No, the provisional is typically also lost, requiring a second provisional, which is also lost. Most members carry 14 balls. Derek carries 24. Derek always runs out.
The Yips
Official: Involuntary wrist spasms affecting putting
Officially neurological. Unofficially a moral failing. Treatments include lessons, therapy, and changing putters seven times. None work. At Oh No the yips are simply known as “Tuesday.”
Unplayable lie
Official: Ball where it cannot reasonably be played
Oh No members declare an unplayable lie approximately every 12 minutes. One member once declared an unplayable lie on the practice green. The committee is still deliberating.
Mulligan
Official: Not recognised by the rules of golf
Not recognised by the rules of golf. Recognised by absolutely everyone at Oh No on every single shot, including putts, chips, and on one occasion a conceded putt the member chose to replay anyway.
Par
Official: Expected strokes for a hole
A theoretical concept referenced here only in the context of how far above it we currently are. This is as close as most members get to it.
Gimme
Official: A short putt conceded by opponents
At Oh No, anything inside 15 feet is a gimme in friendly play. Some consider 25 feet a gimme. One member once conceded himself a putt from off the green. Nobody challenged this.
Winter rules
Official: Relaxed rules in poor conditions
At Oh No, winter rules apply all year round regardless of season or conditions. Winter rules have been invoked in July. In a heatwave. Nobody challenged this either.
Hole in one
Official: Ball holed from the tee in one stroke
Has not occurred at Oh No. Tradition says the scorer buys the bar a round. The bar has therefore never been bought. We remain in a permanent state of theoretical sobriety.
Ground under repair
Official: Area marked as being repaired
Any part of the course that was, is, or could reasonably have been repaired at some point. Members have claimed it from a fairway, a bunker, and once from the 18th green.